Isn't it crazy to think about how you used to be? I mean really think back to the way you thought and acted five, ten, twenty years ago. It's a little bewildering right? I look back at how I thought and acted as a kid in high school and I'm kind of in disbelief and yea..slightly embarassed at times. I thought some crazy stuff, I acted in some crazy ways ( let's put it this way: my senior picture is me as a blonde..enough said). I used to think I had everything figured out, I thought I knew who I was and how I felt but my thoughts and opinions have changed repeatedly over the years. Don't get me wrong I still have my personal beliefs and morals that have remained solid...I'm mostly talking about thoughts and feelings you have while growing up, while finding yourself.
I remember being a lot more trusting of myself and others. I'm not sure if that's just simply the illusion of being bulletproof that all youth have or the fact that I really didn't know much about the world. I remember being more outgoing, confident and carefree. While some of those traits are still there, just slightly buried I think they've just been replaced by the more mature adult side of myself that I've grown into.
That's what it's about really...growing. I think the most you grow as a person is when you become a parent. You don't realize how much your thoughts and actions change until you start looking back at them. I think that's natural though, you suddenly find yourself in charge of this tiny, fragile, helpless human and it's not only your job to help them grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually but it's your responsibility. It's literally all on you to help this tiny little being adapt and grow in this ever-changing world. It can be so daunting and I think it's only natural that we find ourselves growing and changing right along with them.
I was holding my two-year old little munchkin on my lap last night, and I kissed the top of her little head as she played on my phone and I thought about how before I got pregnant I swore I'd never let her even touch a phone until she was six. That was before she hit terrible twos, teething, and tantrums. That was before balancing a grocery list, coupons, grocery cart, and a screaming toddler. Soothing her by letting her play on my phone so I could have just fifteen minutes of calm while we careened down the isles of Walmart trying to get everything done is one of the latest mommy sins I've adapted into my mommy arsenal. It works and hey...I don't knock it because sometimes that's what life is about.
Sometimes it's about going back on those things you used to think and feel to adapt to this fast-changing world. Sometimes it's giving in on a cell phone, sometimes it's having to ask someone for help, sometimes it's having to be the bad guy, sometimes it's admitting you were wrong. Life is all about change and I think if we go into it thinking with our hearts and minds open the easier it will be. Yes, we're going to make mistakes...LOTS of mistakes ( senior picture remember) but that's the beauty in life, you can learn from them. You can grow from them and while you might feel a little guilty about going back on a certain way you used to think try not to be so hard on yourself. You're doing your best, and look....you're only human. Life wouldn't be fun if we all stuck to a road map, life is all about getting stuck in ditches and finding out what works for someone else might not work for us and that's ok because we need to find our own paths and we need to accept that fact towards others too.
Whatever you're holding onto from your old self, whatever negative thoughts, feelings or mistakes you might have harbored from your old life and your old self just give them up. Recognize that you're a human and you're growing. Try to love yourself like you love that little human you're helping to grow and learn. Move on from mistakes and recognize that faults make us stronger. Changing our old thoughts and opinions means we're growing. Loving and accepting others' faults, mistakes and changes means you're a decent human being. We shouldn't be so embarassed about the way we once were or the thoughts we once held. We need to focus instead on our future and our now. Next time you think back to some of those old choices you made and feelings you had I hope you give yourself the grace to let them simply go, and let yourself instead be happy with the person you are now and not dissapointed in the person you once were. Life is about change and changing with it means we're alive and growing...it's a good thing.