Friday, January 3, 2014

Things They Don't Tell You About When You Have A Toddler

If you're anything like me, the minute you found out about your new bundle of joy you began your research. Ok...let's be honest, I began the research months and months before I even began thinking about peeing on a stick. I knew the general issues I would be facing, things to watch out for in her first few months, and what to expect at all of her doctor's appointments. I was pretty prepared for that first year. I was wielding information from moms, books, websites, doctors, and blogs like a well honed mommy sword. I (mostly) knew my stuff. Then the first year went by and we entered into toddler-hood.

I don't know if you're aware or not, but the information after that first year just drops off into nothing land. I imagine that's because no one has the time to write down their horror stories  advice or tips on dealing with things, and upcoming issues because they're too tired. Or too busy wrangling those little monkey-grubby-fingered-tornadoes cherubs. I can't count the number of posts that I began to write and got sidetracked by chasing, cleaning, feeding, teaching, and well you get the point...

So without further ado, here is a quick list of things I had on my mind and wanted to jot down for those mamas with those sweet little nine or five months old. Read this now and take heed my friend.

1. Take your baby everywhere and cherish it. Cherish it when you can still walk around Target while your little one snoozes in the stroller because it will end, and it will end very, very quickly. Before you know it you will be bribing your child with anything you can get your hands on so they'll be quiet enough to allow you to ( literally) run and grab the bare basics you need for dinner. You might even get so desperate that you will PAY someone to watch your kid so you can just have twenty measly little quiet minutes to yourself at the store. It isn't pretty my friends. They will scream, they will throw things, they will hit, and it is not pretty. I've been told that this stage will pass soon, but it is no re-assurance. You're in the trenches mama.

2. They are fast. Unbelievably fast. I am shocked that there is not a toddler Olympics or some other sort of athletic event for the little squirrels. When you work on cleaning up one mess they have five others. As soon as you snatch up the blocks that she just toted down the hallway to you, you return back to the room and boom....pots and pans in the middle of the floor. How? There are locks on the door, you didn't hear pots and pans clanging, and she can't lift that....she can't. Oh yes, she can. I hope you liked the Ocean's Eleven movies because are living in one. They are quick, they are sneaky, and they can do things you never imagined. Don't blink, don't sit down, and don't turn your should be fine though, they're like this for only.....ok....maybe think of investing in a Keurig.

3. They poop way more now, I days just kind of go from one poopy diaper to another, but I'm fairly certain I'm elbow deep in more poop now than I have been before. Stock up on diapers.

4. They're a lot more expressive now which is great, except when they are sick. Instead of just fussing they are also screaming, crying, kicking, hitting, yelling, throwing, and just overall miserable. You will do ANYTHING to make them happy from buying all the singing DVDs, sugar-free all natural popsicles you can get your hands on to playing peek-a-boo until you want to hit yourself in the head with a blunt object......whatever will make them happy. Get yourself some good essential oils and study up on aromatherapy....or alcohol....I'm totally not judging you on this one.

5. Have you heard the old expression " A dog will make a liar out of you"? Basically if you teach a dog a trick and brag about it he'll make a liar out of you when you try to show that trick off...well that is especially true with toddlers. I have spent hours upon hours teaching her where her nose, head, and tummy is. She can hold up one finger when I ask her how old she is and give high fives. She says hey, momma, dadda, doggy, uh-oh and dances. She can do all of these with me, whenever I ask...unless anyone else is looking. I can ask her a million times until I'm blue in the face and she just looks at me like I'm a crazy person if there's another person in the room. She will act like she's never heard one word you've said and the minute you're alone...boom. Einstein again.

6. You won't be able to be around your kid-less friends without wanting to hit them in the face at least once in a twenty minute conversation. This one might just be me, but when I start hearing about how tired you are or how upset you are that you're having to miss the opening showing of Catching Fire I have mentally stabbed you five times...and stolen your movie tickets. I get that you have a tough job and it can be tiring, but c'mon man....I've had seven hours of sleep in the past two days and I NEVER ESCAPE my boss. You're tired, I'm tired, he's tired, they're tired, stop whining about it unless you're willing to bring some margaritas over and induce some sleep if you get what I mean. Oh and about the movie thing.....Hubby and I saw a movie on our anniversary which was the first time we had been to a theater in two years. I am not kidding.

7. They bring your "I'm going to be that hot fashionable mom" thing crashing to the ground. Then they stomp
on it and pour grape juice all over it. Maybe you've managed it while they were still tiny little things you toted and snuggled all day. The tiny little lumps that could be put on couches and never rolled around or even moved, so wonderful and easy...but then they grow up. They become toddlers who wipe their nose on your new shirt. No sooner have you changed from your new shirt into one of your old ones they smear their peanut butter covered hands on you. If it's not one things it's another. Don't bother styling your hair because chasing them around....well everything...will make your styled locks look like they've been fried by an electrical socket. Nails? Forget about it. Shaving? Oh please....the little tots might be styled to the nines, but you will look like a homeless helps to just avoid mirrors on some days. Ask me how I know....

There was something else.....something important....ah well...I'm too'll figure it out mama.


  1. Oh mama, you are so awesome, and every word of this is true. I'm sure something witty will come to me when my coffee kicks in, but for now, I just love you!

    1. Aw thank you! You don't have to be witty, you always know just what to say to make my whole day better! Thank you!